…..

Tough crowd!

My wife rang me at work. She said, “Two packages arrived today. The first was your Playstation 3 and the second is the new Rampant Rabbit vibrator we ordered. I can’t wait for you to get home and play with me for hours”

I said, “You’ll be fucking lucky .. I only ordered one controller”.

I texted my boss, “What’s the difference between this morning and your daughter?”
He answered, “I don’t know.”

I replied, “I’m not coming in this morning.”

@mrs_teapot wrote:

@wakeupdeadisgodlike wrote:

I texted my boss, “What’s the difference between this morning and your daughter?”
He answered, “I don’t know.”

I replied, “I’m not coming in this morning.”

I read it over and over… dont get it?

teapot

Really? Maybe you are just to innocent.

which leads me nicely onto:

A young man moved from his parents home into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.
The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, “Let’s go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.”

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now completely nude, she purred at him,
“What would you say is my best feature?” Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, “It’s got to be your ears.”

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, “My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin – no blemishes anywhere, so how can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?!”
Clearing his throat, he stammered, “Outside, when you said you heard someone coming, that was me…”