Could a human and a chimpanzee create offspring together ?

I know it’s a scary subject, but I’m just trying to deal with the world as it is, and with all the moral, scientific and religious connotations. If the DNA of human and chimps is 98.6% the same (which is more than that of a horse and a zebra – and we already have mules), then could this be possible ?

Because anything is, even the fact that we do not actually share a common ancestor, or that Danish submarines have been found on the moon. Or maybe great-great-great grand-daddy Homy Erectus got tired of chatting up goats, dogs, cows, sheep and ducks with his latest line in funky grunts and interesting cavewall etchings, and did actually decide to shag a monkey. There may be a yellowing scrapbook in someone’s attic to prove this.

Humanzee or chuman, it could all depend on the sex of the mum or dad, or has something to do with chromosomes. Personally I don’t appear that ape-like at certain times of the day, but neither do I look like a biologist. Apparently Stalin in the 1920’s proposed this idea as a way of making a super-army; the theory being that human intelligence and ape strength was the perfect combination for the type of soldier the Russians could have done with in WWI. There does seem to be a predominating line of thought that such offspring would be infertile, and although his scientists denied this, I believe that was primarily because they wanted to avoid the Gulag at all costs, and would have pretty much said anything, even that the Swiss Navy was a colossal danger.

But other animals with different chromosones have been bred successfully, and we all know that stuff is being done on the genetic level with cloning and embryos, and probably in some backyard freak show too. Maybe this is where the AIDS virus really started. In 1984 doctors transplanted a baboon heart into a baby girl to keep the child alive while waiting for a donor, but although the child survived for a few weeks unfortunately no human heart became available. But as for actually impregnating a chimp, it has to do with something about the proteins that coat the eggs and sperm of humans….or vice versa I forgot. Whereas genes can be implanted into embryos, in vitro, very easily.

There have been reports of humanzees throughout history. For instance, St Peter Damian, in his 11th century De bono religiosi status et variorum animatium tropologia, tells of a Count Gulielmus whose pet ape became his wife’s lover. One day the ape became mad with jealousy on seeing the count lying with his wife and fatally attacked him. Damian claims that he was told about this incident by Pope Alexander II and shown a creature which was supposed to be the offspring of the countess and ape. I’m guessing that he took this child home, also called it Peter, perhaps added the surname Sampras, and that they made quite a decent racket together. And gave us the original line-up of the Troggs.

The Japanese have created mice with jellyfish genes and it seems that they are fluorescent. Japanese cats are hardly complaining at this turn of events, and one is reminded of those kids with lights on their trainers running away from the police. Also Ligers and Tigons are basically the same animal – a cross between a lion and a tiger – but a liger has a lion father and a tiger mother while a tigon has a lion mother and a tiger father. I am unable to repeat this while drunk, but remain convinced that they are bouncy bouncy full of fun fun fun and that there could very well be more than one. However we come back to the question of whether such animals would be sterile, and another question is raised besides the one of reproduction – as to whether they would be considered a new species if created away from their natural setting. ‘Wiki’ says that they do occur naturally in the wild when habitat overlaps, but I fail to see the relevance of the Conran family here and anyway have never trusted ‘Wiki’ since it was appointed Minister of Information by Saddam Hussein and announced that Tim Henman would indeed win Wimbledon. Some of us knew that poor Tim always had a genetic disadvantage against species bred far away from the home counties.

Are you keeping up so far ? This could be the best thread you’ve ever read, or quite possibly the worst. Many believe fervently that such offspring were long since created, and that they have been posting on the Just Chat message boards for some time. We call them chumans and they have already mastered both emoticon and youtube link. Many would like to see enough of them put into a room full of keyboards in order that the repetitive sniping can be accurately measured. Given time, they may very well recompose the complete works of Shakespeare, but alas for now we have to be content with their backbiting inanities here.

Anyway I’m off to read something by Michael Crichton, or perhaps I could listen to a tune by the Kinks………