Lesbian code of conduct (far too long for men to read)

:wink:The Official Lesbian Code of Conduct

What is the Code?

Hello, and welcome

Thankyou for accessing the official Lesbian Code of Conduct (LCC). This code is a survival guide for you, your girlfriend, your ex and your lover to ensure you can all inhabit the same scene without having to witness too many horrible catfights or dramas.

Make sure you check out every page listed above. What’s the use of knowing about relationships if your culture is all off?
This code has been put together to allow lesbians everywhere to share their wisdom, experience and wit providing an electronic constitution to hand down to generations of lesbians everywhere.

The first rule of the Lesbian Code is –
*you do not talk about the Lesbian Code.
*The second rule of the Lesbian Code is – you DO NOT talk about the Lesbian Code….

Sex

Rule 1. Just do it. As often as you can.

Rule 2. No matter how expensive silicone is these days, it is NOT acceptable to recycle sex toys with your new girlfriend. Make a rule, new chick, new stick

Rule 3. Grow it, trim it, Grow it, trim it

Rule 4. when fucking in the washroom of a club or bar, do it right and come quick – There’s a queue full of girls out there with bladders full of Bud

Rule 5. If you can’t get her name right in bed, don’t try. There is no rule that says you have to.

Rule 6. Don’t assume you’re going to be moving into her house after one date. Consider whether your place might be better for you both.

Rule 7: Lesbian Bed Death. It exists, beware.

Rule 8. Single girls, don’t go teasing the couples about their Lesbian Bed Death. They may not have it and you will just look like a bitter singleton tit.

Rule 9. The notion of the no strings Fuck Buddy. You’ll do it. We all do in the end. But be warned. We are womenstrings, strings, can’t mooove for the strings!

Rule 10. When FuckBuddies go Bad. Run, run for the hills. She knows where you sleep. A change of town may well be in order.

Rule 11. If you are really going to shake your stuff and be a player for a while, be sure not to shag a queendyke superbitch with contacts. If it goes wrongyou go on the big ol’ lesbian blacklist. See further rules to seek codification of the big ol’ lesbian blacklist.

Rule 12. To go down, or not to go down..? Go down!

Rule 13. Sex in public. So long as you avoid the stock room option on sales day it’s allll goooooood!

Rule 14. Making the kinky movie of you and Ms X doing the mammary mammba may well seem like a perfectly raunch ridden concept pre-cum. But girls, there are certain things in life you should not witness. One, is your parents having sex. The other is YOU having sex!

Rule 15. I bet you have a friend that you ‘just end up fucking a lot’. Show me a dyke who hasn’t had this scenario (over and over again) and I’ll show you a liar. The problem with this ‘problem’ is that it can end in the most horrendous or the most fabulous consequencesso take a big ol’ breath, jump in and be advised. The water can get coooooooold.but it can also get hott!

Straight girls, tough issues

It may seem, in some circumstances, like a great idea to go and get yourself some straight girl friends…

Rule 1: They know an awful lot about moisturiser and want to be your friend. They may be work colleagues, or even feminists, ‘alternatives’ or what have you. But beware, girls. They are still from another planet – it could all end in tears

Rule 2: If your straight friend gets drunk and wants to know ‘what you do’, be extremely cautious before answering. This is usually a precursor to ‘I’ve never thought about it before’ and then ‘We could just do it once, so you could show me’. This will definitely end in tears – hers, yours and probably her boyfriend’s.

Rule 3: If you must take them to a gay bar, be sure to explain to them that ‘turning’ our homo alpha males is not acceptable. They may look like Greek Gods but it’s only because the regional heat of Mr. Gay USA is on tonight. And they’re trying to pull. Men. Not women. (You may have to repeat this one)

Rule 4: While straight women find cock talk liberating, it’s not something that should be encouraged. Tell them you would prefer them to keep their cocks at home. They may ask to see / touch / feel yours – do not do this under any circumstances. Friends and sex toys do not mix. (See rule 2)

Culture

Rule 1. If you choose to wear a mullet, wear it with pride. Irony is only all well and good if you mean it to be. Take care not to look ‘old school’ unless that’s specifically the look you’re going for. The Mullet hairstyle on someone under 40 is strictly out of bounds. They earned their right to that Mulletnow you have to. A clear breach of this rule is in the gallery

Rule 2. A spikey haircut does not make a lesbian. Find your own style and work with it. You will not be thrown out of the sisterhood for a dodgy perm. But you may well be mocked so toughen that skin girly!

Rule 3. Gay men are your friends. We can learn a lot from them about waxing, the gym and, of course, Kylie.

Rule 4. Don’t let your girlfriend cut / dye your hair. Ever. Just don’t do it.

Rule 5. Identifying our kind
* Some teenage boys may look like lesbians. Take care here, they’re not.
* Also beware of Europeans. They may have short hair and hold hands in the street with other girls but that tell-tale multi-colour backpack will give them away as continental.

Rule 6. We’re not gonna disscuss dungarees. There’s plenty of room for our national costume (in moderation). And fleeces, fleeces are ok. But girls, make sure they’re clean and have plenty of fabric softener. No-one likes a fleece that stinks of smoke and booze.

Rule 7: It is only acceptable to wear tight jeans, pulled up over belly button height, with leather belt and checked shirt tucked in when well over 40, or when identifying as a woodcutter lesbian (see glossary)

Rule 8: Don’t be ashamed of your lesbian heritage. kd, Martina, they went there and did it so we could be free to wear our hair short without fear.

Rule 9: The nod hierarchy. In the chinlifting phase of the nod it should me mutually apparent who is closer to old skool and who closer to babydyke. This is purely based on age. The younger dyke with etiquette should always avert the gaze downward as a sign of deference to her lesbian elder. Also, and self-respecting elderdyke worth her salt would willingly lead the way with a proud and slightly wattled lesbian jawline tilted high, eyes up.

Lifestyle

Rule 1. Always remember that your ex may be your current’s ex too. The Community is small. and insular. and has a long memory. Think twice before smashing her Indigo Girls cd when you break up, as three relationships down the line it may end up back in your house.

Rule 2. Babydykes. Let’s think about this title for a second. You’re probably not one if you were born before 1984. You may still feel like one inside, but face it – it’s time to move on. You’re 27, get yourself another stereotype.

Rule 3. Acknowledging our kind – The Nod
* Mastering the ‘lesbian nod’ may take a few attempts. It’s simple, yet effective. Ensure that each time you see a lesbian on the street you perform this simple act to show your solidarity
* First, make eye contact
* Second, tilt your head slightly upwards with chin poised. (This is an ideal opportunity to show off that lesbian jawline)
* Thirdly, move your head downwards in a definite motion, (not too far!!) pursing your lips slightly and grunting ‘Al’right’
* Move on quickly to show that you’re not interested in a sexual way, just merely acknowledging the sisterhood Failure to participate in the ‘nod’ may result in you being mistaken for a ‘straight’ (non-lesbian) and delay or prohibit sexual contact with code abiders.

Rule 4. Etiquette
* You should always observe the implicit queuing rules while waiting to play pool at any lesbian establishment. While there may be a random ‘coins on the table’ approach, you will probably find that, in addition, there is a ranking system in place. This will usually be Stones, then butches, then boyishs, then sporties, then babydykes, then ambiguous, then femmes. If you find that femmes are jumping the queue, it will be because they have special dispensation from the Stones. You would be ill-advised to challenge this system, especially if from out of town. And above all else remember – At a lesbian table, Winner ALWAYS stays on.
* Try hard not to dykefight. It’s sooo 1997. If someone is calling your girlfriend a bitch, first check with her whether that is ok. She might like it, or she may be one.

Rule 5. Miscellaneous Pet rules
* Cat Lesbians: Take a cue from grown up straight ladies, plug-ins work a treat for those feline odours in your home
* Dog Lesbians: If you’re a dog lesbian, be sure to give your black lab a suitably dykey name. We like ‘scout’ or ‘ripley’, but use your judgement.
* Don’t let friends and colleagues worry you that you might ‘turn’ your pets gay. They are probably already bi or gender dysphoric and it was nothing you did or said. That said, don’t be upset when springtime comes and they start getting all hetero on you.

Rule 6: Beware the Lesbian Grudge. No grudge lasts longer when prompted by so little. You could spill a drink over the coat of one of those nameless faces you see over and over. All of a sudden the mad bitch hates you and your little dog too. Tread easy now girls.

Rule 7: QUEENDYKE SUPERBITCH and her acolytes. Every scene has one, sometimes more than one in competition. Turf wars can occur. There will be one supermodern EverSoTrendy followed, encircled and occasionally engorged by her satanic minion bitches. They will sit,dance,drink,fight and probably take toilet trips all together. Do not attempt EVER to pull either Queendyke Superbitch OR any of the acolytes, even the little cute babydyke looking ones at the back of the pack. They hold all of us in contemptit’s just good grace to return the favour

Rule 8: Toilet Talk. The toilets are a perfectly fairgame location for random friend making or getting the attention of that gorgeous girl you spotted on the dancefloor. But make sure the heads clear enough to know what you’re entering intobeing followed back onto the dancefloor by a RandomHorny thanks to some throwaway line about always having to queue is one major pain in the ass.

Rule 9: The dancefloor come-on. Some girls love it, some girls hate it. The best way is dance furtively in close proximity till some eye contact is securedthen slowly slowly catchy monkey girls.

Rule 10: Part 1: The Myth of The Lesbian Football Team.

You’ve been there and done it. You’ve bought the shin pads, the boots and the dental dam. You turn up at the first practise and it’s tomboys tomboys everywhere, but not a dyke to drink!

Rule 11: Part 2: The Lesbian Football Team When it is good it is very very good.but when it is bad, it gets ugly.

Rule 12: Respect your lesbian elders. And elders, learn from your younger lesbian counterparts. They are the vaginas of the future

Relationships

Rule 1: Always remember that your ex may be your current’s ex too. The Community is small and insular and has a long memory. Think twice before smashing her Indigo Girls cd when you break up, as three relationships down the line it may end up back in your house

Rule 2: Angelina Jolie is beautiful. So is Carrie-Ann Moss. But she’s not your girlfriend. She’s never gonna be your girlfriend. Stop inflicting your lesbaworship on the rest of us………… But that doesn’t necessarily mean you have to laser off that tattoo of her on your inner thigh……

Rule 3: Don’t go back with her. She probably wasn’t worth it the first time around

Rule 4: Remember, when someone is unsure about committing, they never will.

Rule 5: Telling someone you are breaking up with that they are really lovely and they deserve better, is actually stating the bloody obvious. It’s patronising, shut up.

Rule 6: (probably should be rule 1): Never ever ever attempt to chat up a girl who is with her girlfriend. This type of disrespect is definitely on the books of Universal Justice and WILL come back to bite you in the ass.

Rule 7: If you are a happily married lesbian couple, don’t demean your single friends by telling them to ‘keep hope alive cos it will happen to them too’.They know that already

Rule 8: Consider leaving all emotional baggage at the relationship check-in point, we strongly advise that such heavy items of personal woe should not be carried further and will in fact make for a much happier, safer journey with your new girlfriend.*

*I cannot accept presonal liability for success or failure of relationships based on adherence to or ignorance of the LCC

Rule 9: Trust is more important than brutal truth. I.E. If your girlfriend asks you what’s the best sex you’ve ever hadTrust that she will KILL you if you tell her the brutal truth.

Rule 10: Beware the Ex. The Ex of your girly reappears and ‘just wants to be your friend’. The agenda is clear, don’t be lulled into a false sense of sisterly solidarity.

Rule 11: Public arguments. Never dignified. They may well be your foreplay for a right royal rumble in the hay when you get home. But any self respecting lesbian knowsit’s just rude.

Rule 12: Public showing of affection. This is a rule that changes from dyke to dyke. But I wish head and deputy lesbian to make public shows of affection legal and codified for all dykes. Hold hands, snuggle, kissgo for it girls!

Rule 13: I love you’s should not be rationed if they are genuinely felt. They never get old if the feeling is returned. Dykes honour.

Glossary

The Babydyke:
* Could be any one of the following but aged from as young as it gets to 20.
* Most likely to say: “Age is just a number!”
* Least likely to say: “I remember this the first time around!”

The Old Skool:
* Usually in their thirties. They’ve been around the block more than they care to admit. They have all the wisdom and battle scarsand possibly issues to prove it. But respect is ALWAYS due.
* Most likely to say: “These babydykes don’t know they’re boooooorn”
* Least likely to say: “So I was in Ambercrombie & Fitch at the weekend when……”

The Boi Dyke:
* The kind of girl you’re straight girlfriends tell you looks like a boy but secretly fantasize over. She has short very funky hairpossibly a Mohawk or Mohican and couldn’t tell an epilator from an eye pencil.
* Most likely to say: “Innit!”
* Least likely to say: “Oooh, could I borrow those sandals?”

The Butch:
* Usually found in the Old Skool category. But not always. Very macho. Tends to wear a lot of leather and the hair is short but not overly styled. If the hair is long it’s unwashed and tied back with an elastic band. No pansy ass scrunchies round this lot. The type of woman who thinks Ambercrombie & Fitch were 70’s porn stars.
* Most likely to say: “GrrrrrrrrYou lookin at my girl?”.
* Least likely to say: “Hmm, Campari and Soda for me please”

The Femme:
* She looks straight.. A dying breed since the rise and fall of the lipstick lesbian, but certainly not dead. Usually found in clusters with their straight friends. Usually very assertive as they need to make all the moves. Most other lesbians can’t spot them in their camouflage.
* Most likely to say: “Just because I don’t look like a guyI get no attention!”
* Least likely to say: “I’ve never done this before…. (they always have)”

The Skater Chick:
* A modern day lesbo hybrid of BoiDyke and Femme.they’re hot but sadly they are usually well aware of this fact. Easily identified by their trademark baggy denims..be they full length or cut off at the shins. Closely related to the ever so less popular surfer chickgone but not forgotten.
* Most likely to say: “..” Nothing actually. Never heard one speak.

The Inbetweeny:
* You know who you are. Totally undefined. Every now and again you try out one of the above styles but you never quite fit in. You’re ambiguous and you like to think it’s because you’re all about content over style. You scoff at the others.and they scoff at you. But we all bond at Christmas.
* Most likely to say: “I am not defined by a label!”
* Least likely to say: “Now THAT’S something I can identify with!”

The Woodcutter Dyke:
* You’ll smell her before you see her. Maybe patchouli, maybe magic tree from spending all that time in the truck. The checked shirt and maybe a white vest underneath in all weather combined with a ponytail/mullet combination that the Butch brigade can only dream of. If all else failscheck her key ring. If there’s a little novelty axeyou’ve found yourself a real genuine lesser spotted WoodcutterDyke!
* Most likely to say: “I don’t got time for no romance.”
* Least likely to say: “Wasn’t that fire at Saatchi a tragedy!……”

The Dyke on a Bike:
* Now this really is a subculture of a subculture. The dyke on a bike can come from any of the stereo-dyke subgroups. However, it is good to be reminded that wherever you start offriding round in leather with your thighs clamped to a two wheeled rocket increases the butch levels dramatically. It all starts with the novelty mopedthen the 125then you wouldn’t be seen dead on anything but a Ducati 250.then it’s Touring Class or no bike at all.Finally you have a Harley with your Femme girls named handsprayed on the chassis. You can’t fail to see the charms of a Dyke on a Bike.You’ve seen If These Walls Could Talk 2 right?
* Most Likely To Say: ‘I wouldn’t be seen dead on anything but my’
* Least Likely To Say: ‘Why don’t we take the bus

(Ubermik read it and weap…….. its longer and far more interesting than anything you have ever posted or ever will my friend lmao!!) :)