Chic Murray

Who remembers him? My last recollections of him was appearing half-cut on the Hogmanay Show. :lol: He used to make me laugh, so here are a few of his jokes. They sound much better if you can imagine his accent ……..aye the noo

Visiting London, Chic was asked by a stranger, “Do you know the Battersea dog’s home?”. He replied, “I didn’t even know it was away.”

My father was from Aberdeen, and a more generous man you couldn’t wish to meet. I have a gold watch that belonged to him. He sold it to me on his deathbed. I wrote him a cheque for it, post dated of course.

I made a stupid mistake last week. Come to think of it, did you ever hear of someone making a clever mistake?

My father was a simple man. My mother was a simple woman. You see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton.

I had a tragic childhood. My parents never understood me. They were Japanese.

I won’t say I was slow developer, but our teacher was quite pleased to have someone her own age in the class to talk to.

If it weren’t for marriage, husband and wives would have to fight with strangers.

After I told my wife that black underwear turned me on, she didn’t wash my Y-fronts for a month.

Kippers- fish that like a lot of sleep.

The boat was so old; it must have been launched when Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his shoulder.

The police stopped me when I was out in my car. They told me it was a spot check. I admitted to two pimples and a boil.

I got up this morning. I like to get up in the morning; it gives me the rest of the day to myself.

I crossed the landing and went down stairs. Mind you, if there had been no stairs, I wouldn’t even have attempted it.

We were so poor; the ultimate luxury in our house at the time was ashtrays without advertisements. It was all the wolf could do to keep us away from his door. A luxury meal was prairie sandwiches- two slices of bread with wide-open spaces between them. There were so many holes in my socks I could put them on seventeen different ways.

She had been married so often she bought a drip-dry wedding dress.

I went to the butchers to buy a leg of lamb. “Is it Scotch?”, I asked. “Why?” the butcher said in reply. Are you going to talk to it or eat it?”. “In that case, have you got any wild duck?”. “No”, he responded, “but I’ve got one I could aggravate for you”.

I rang the bell of this small bed-and breakfast place, whereupon a lady appeared at an outside window. “What do you want?”, she asked. “I want to stay here”, I replied. “Well, stay there then”, she said and closed the window.

A Scot is a man who keeps the Sabbath, and everything else he can lay his hands on.

I was walking along the road. I knew I was walking because one foot was following the other. A car drew up beside me and stopped. The driver opened the door and asked me if he could give me a lift. I replied that I didn’t need a lift as I lived in a bungalow.

I was out walking the other evening. This fellow accosted me, and asked if that was the moon up there in the sky. I replied that I had no idea as I was a stranger there myself.

My wife went to a beauty parlour and got a mud pack. For two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off. She’s a classy girl though, at least all her tattoos are spelt right.

I knocked and the woman opened the door in her night dress. I thought to myself at the time what a strange place to have a door.

I met this chap at the Olympics. I said to him, “Excuse me but are you a pole vaulter?”, he replied,”No, I’m German, but how did you know my name was Walter.”

This chap said to me, “If you look over there, you’ll see Dumbarton Rock”. Well, I looked for 20 minutes and the thing never moved an inch.