for ugo

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to
arrange a date but unfortunately she’d popped her clogs.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire
in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have
your kayak and heat it.

So I said “Do you want a game of Darts?”, he said “OK then”, I said
“Nearest to bull starts”. He said “Baa”, I said “Moo”, he said
“You’re closest”.

You see I’m against hunting, in fact I’m a hunt saboteur. I go out
the night before and shoot the fox.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her
up, I said “Did you get my drift?”.

So I went down the local supermarket, I said “I want to make a
complaint, this vinegar’s got lumps in it”, he said “Those are
pickled onions”.

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought “he’s trying to
pull a fast one”.

So I said to this train driver “I want to go to Paris”. He said
“Eurostar?”.I said “I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin”.

So I said to the Gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the
splits?”. He said “How flexible are you?”. I said “I can’t
make Tuesdays”.

But I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to
pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people’s pants, it
was Wedgie Kray.

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with
a red rose and says “Your eyes sparkle like diamonds”. I said “Waiter,
I asked for a-ROMATIC duck”.

But I’m in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a
competition and I won a years supply of Marmite……… one jar.

So this bloke says to me, “Can I come in your house and talk about
your carpets?”. I thought “That’s all I need, a Je-oover’s witness”.

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he’s a
catholic converter.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said “I want to report a nuisance
caller”, he said “Not you again”.

So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion)
and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me
the salt.

He said “You remind me of a pepper-pot”, I said “I’ll take that as a
condiment”.

Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example
Goran, even he’s a witch.

And I’ve got a friend who’s fallen in love with two school bags,
he’s bisatchel.

So I was in Tesco’s and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a
barcode. I said “Are you two an item?”.

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins,
I thought “That’s a turtle disaster”.

Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says “Oi – get out! We don’t
want your type in here”

A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says “I’ll serve you, but
don’t start anything”

A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, “Is
this some kind of joke?”

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says “Sorry we don’t serve
food in here”

Dyslexic man walks into a bra

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says
“Pint please, and one for the road.”

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up
to the bar and announces: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing
in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about
an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to
disperse. “But why?” they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he
said “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest. He sent in
ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would
win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of
them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Amal.” The other goes
to a family in Spain, they name him Juan”. Years later, Juan sends a
picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells
her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her
husband responds, “But they are twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve
seen Amal.”
:wink: :wink: :wink: :wink: :wink: