The JC Guide To Everything

I have had a thought. Normally I ignore my thoughts because they usually get me into trouble or failing that result in more work. Anyway, I digress, us JC types are intelligent and worldly wise, and surely it would be a good idea for us to share our insights with each other, right? So I thought wouldn’t it be a rather jolly idea to have a JC Guide to everything? A JC Guide For Dummies, if you will.

So to get the ball rolling here’s my first offering. But I expect you guys to do most of the work so I can sit back and guffaw at your expert advice.

#1 How To Fall In Love In A Chat Room

1. You’re boring, be someone else.
Why be you when you’re romancing that special someone on the Internet. You can be Barry the quantity surveyor from Essex for the 23 other hours in the day. Right now you can be Pepe the sexy Spanish part-time flamenco dancer with a penchant for flaxen-haired English maidens (note: don’t know what flaxen means but British lasses love the term. Test other charming descriptions too). The more you embellish, the more Ruby the beautiful part-time bikini model will fall for you.

2. Other people lie as well .
Don’t be surprised when Ruby the beautiful part-time bikini model turns out to an an ordinary Joanna. But then, you’re an ordinary Joe, ain’t ya Barry?

3. It’s all in the name.
Choose carefully. A badly selected name could be the difference between your being left on the JC shelf or becoming the cyber femme fatale or chat room lothario you richly deserve to be. If you’re an unimaginative female simply add one of the following to the end or beginning of your chosen nickname where appropriate, and your PM box will be flooded with suitable suitors of all descriptions.

Minx
Fluffy
Foxy
Curvy
Hot
F
For example: Susie minx, fluffy Susie, Hot Susie ….. and, blokes being what we are, Susie F will even do the trick.

It’s also important to fix your expectations of what delights a chat name promises… just to ensure you’re not shocked:

BBC – don’t expect a telly fan …
CD – …. or a music fan

4. Laptop cameras add 10 pounds.
Computer cameras are cheap and don’t do you any favours. Gent’s, suck that beer belly in. Ladies, don’t forget that girdle. Ladies and Gents, the tried-and-tested Rusty Trawler internet concealer and mascara pack masks a multitude of sins.

5. Meetings
At some point you will be overcome by the strong urge to meet and do the things that lovers tend do in the real world. My advice is to resist this desire. It’s much easier to swing from a virtual chandelier or perform like a cyber sex god than it is in real life.

If these words fail you and you just have to meet anyway, don’t forget that they won’t actually expect you to roll on the floor or laugh your ass off every time they say something funny.

And therein ends the lesson. Next week, how to unlock a locked private message box without getting caught.