Very poor jokes!

A guy goes into a pub and says “Can I have a bag of helicopter flavour crisps, please?”
The barman says “Sorry, we only have plane.”

Note: (You could also replace the word helicopter for ‘chisel’ or ‘self-raising’ for equal laugh quantities.)

“my wife went to see a band in south east asia”
“singapore?”
“Yes, rest of the band weren’t very good either”

My wife and I have just got back from Italy.
Genoa?
Well of course I do, we’ve been married for twenty years.

‘My wife went on holiday last week’
‘Jamacia?’
‘No she went of her own accord’

A man walks into an ice cream store and asks the employee what flavors he has. In a rasping, almost inaudible voice he says “I… have… chocolate… strawberry… and vanilla.”
“Say,” the man says “Do you have laryngitis?”
“No!” the employee chokes, “Just… chocolate… strawberry… and vanilla.”

Dave takes his pet giraffe to the pub. The giraffe, being tall, knocked itself unconcious on the doorpost. Undaunted from his pint, Dave goes on without him.. The barman says “You can’t leave that lying there..”
Dave says “it’s not a lion.. it’s a giraffe..”

I woman is woken from her afternoon nap by her husband and a dog.

The man replies, ” I was talking to the dog.”

‘we went to the holy land to see the wailing wall’
‘I didn’t half look silly standing there with my harpoon gun’

:D