Name-changers and Sociopaths

I am a namechanger. I am guilty of pretending to be someone I am not. Does that make me a bad person?

We are all namechangers, to some extent: for the very reason that my given name is not ‘Simply’ (though it IS Su, so I guess my inherent honesty prevails at some level). Those of you in the lobby recently will also have learned my surname, from actions that disgust me but no longer surprise me. I wont change my number either, so do feel free to give me a call. I’m actually quite a nice woman!

I am not, however, a sociopath.

I think what I am trying to articulate (badly) is the reason FOR namechanging is somewhere along a continuum of simple anonymity, (to protect personal identity), to deliberately assuming a different persona for the purpose of causing pain.

The stigma of ‘namechanger’ is being attached to individuals who simply enter the chatroom arena under a different name for solitude. In my experience there are only so many times I can enter a room and incessantly at people. For example, sometimes I just need to feel amongst company, to be part of a group, without having to put on a face when I simply do not feel capable of it. Sometimes I appear online under a different name to talk to a specific friend online, without interruption. There are numerous reasons for the necessity of using a screen name different from your regular one.

My concern begins with those individuals who choose to adopt an entirely fictitious persona for the sole purpose of causing pain.

There is nothing to be gained from appealing to the better nature of these people; those that are true sociopaths. I continued my friendships with these people (it could even be one and the same person: I dread to think that in the short space of time that I have been present online, that I would attract several of these characters, so who knows) in the vain hope that I would eventually understand their motivation. I still don’t. I only understand that THEY will never change, so what must change is MY reaction to them.

I refuse to be a victim. True, I have been victimised; traumatised, even. I am both stronger and weaker as a result. I am more vulnerable, but equally more cynical.

At the moment, I no longer like the person I am. It does not sit well with me, so I am deliberately holding people at a distance. There is no point in allowing someone close, when the person they are becoming close to is not actually the person they truly want to be.

I abhor bullies; both online and off. I refuse to back down when others are being bullied. I find it harder to address the situation when it is me being abused. That speaks volumes to me. I continually put myself in the other’s head and try to figure out the ‘why’ of the actions they are displaying towards me. A history of mental and physical abuse has left me with a strange sense that I somehow ‘deserve’ this level of treatment, yet logic and intelligence show me that I don’t. I need to break the pattern.

I have made mistakes in my time here. I have learnt from them. This is progress. However, the decisions that I took and the reasons for them remain constant and I would not change them, if I had my time over.

I have always reached out to those who appear to be in pain. I always will. I will always give to those who appear to be in need. Shame on those people who exploited me for it. I am not ashamed, however, for having been exploited. It means that within me resides a heart that is strong, and loving and giving.

I am a name-changer, but not a sociopath.

To those who know me personally … warts and all … I applaud your patience and I love your friendship as a result.

To those who seek to know me better, but find me obtuse … even a little difficult or perhaps stand offish … that is not the real me. Sadly, that is the person I have now chosen to become online.

This next part is addressed to my abuser(s).

You have damaged me in ways that I cannot begin to understand. Yet, that in itself is a comfort, for it means that I have retained my empathy, dignity and humanity. I am not a sociopath.

To those who continue to abuse me; may God help you. You are the true victims here. At least I reflect and recognise my own shortcomings, whereas you continue to maintain a lie and refuse to accept responsibility.

To those who deliberately set out to hurt, humiliate, defeat, destroy me: you will never succeed. You have, however, changed me. I am no longer the person I was. I have not yet reached the person I will become, but know this: you have not won.

My heart is damaged (ironically, more than I realised) but it still remains fierce and passionate. Do not think that you will have the opportunity to break it again. You shant. I hope you are proud of your actions. I hope you are able to close your eyes and sleep on the nights that my demons taunt me.

Yet I wish you no harm and I refuse to hate you. That would be counter-productive. You are the one who has lost. You had the opportunity of true and loyal friendship. You destroyed that. You … not I.

To all of those people who have read this post right to the very end …

Love and hugs.
Suzanne x