These are NOT for everyone

The following jokes are in very bad taste, if your easily offended please stop reading and move on to an other thread.

Please and Thank You.

I’m writing a book called “How to masterbate with a donut”. Its coming on a treat.

A friend of mine got a job circumcising people, but he missed and got the sack.

Harry potter is so unrealistic, I mean I can just believe the flying car but a ginger kid with two mates!!!

There was a caption in the newspaper which read, ‘In the time it takes you to finish reading this sentence, 20 people will have died of hunger.’
So just for my own satisfaction, I read it ten times.

Katie Price got stuck in a car park.
It seems she slipped on the ramp, accidentally did the splits and the suction stuck her to the floor.

Petrol tanker drivers are going on strike, saying they want more money for the danger of driving about with thousands of gallons of highly explosive liquid attached to their backs.
A Shell spokesman said; “There are thousands of Muslims out there who would kill for a job like that!”

My wife walked in on me shagging the dog.
“What the hell is going on?” She screamed.
I said, “Don’t look at me, he started it, by humping my leg.”

I was talking to a girl at the bar the other night and asked her: ‘how quickly do you have sex with a man?’
She said: ‘That’s my business!’
Me: ‘Oh, you’re a professional…?’

I was bumping to some R. Kelly while slow grinding my wife.
As I caressed her body softly, the fùcking meat grinder jammed.

This new born baby I saw in the hospital had bright ginger hair.
I don’t care what anyone says I’m not calling him son.

I was in a nightclub last night and caught the eye of this fat bird.
I gave a smile, she gave a smile.
I gave a wink, she winked back.
I pulled out an imaginary fishing rod and pretended to cast it towards her.
Playing along, she pretended to be caught and as I reeled her in, she put her arms by her side and flapped her hands as she waddled over to me with a big chubby grin.
“Hello!” she yelled bouncily “You caught me!”
“Yes. Yes I did” I replied before ripping a hole out of her cheek and throwing her back onto the dancefloor.

I was watching that movie Mad Max, you know that movie where gas is so rare that people are killing each other for a few litres of it? It was set in the future……
I believe it will be June.

I love going to bed with my wife knowing that when I wake up I get to hear those three magical words every man loves to hear in the morning;
”Here’s your tea’

What do you call a gay dinosaur?
Megasoreass

The firm I work for has gone PC mad.
I was having a row with my secretary, and I called her a ‘cheap common whore’
I really regret it now as she’s reported me.
The correct term I’ve been told is ‘Low cost service provider’