A Smile from The Caravan

Just recently I’ve been getting very serious chest pains so I decided to ask the vet to call round to the caravan to give me a once over. “Joker ma boy” he said “you’re no spring chicken, I reckon your days are numbered”. He continued “If Jimmy Da Wop don’t get you first I reckon your heart will pack in at anytime”. After he left I sat shivering from cold only interupted infrequenty with bouts of shaking from fear. What can I do I thought who can I turn to???
Just as I was about to collapse in anguish on my urine soaked matress there came a knock on the door (how he managed to bend down to reach it was a mystery, the door was blown off in gales weeks ago). I beckoned the stranger forward and offered him some cocoa but he declined the Whiskas tin in which I’d made it. “who are you” I asked. “i’m a Jehovahs Witness and I’m here to save your soul and take you to utopia”. Now having no wheels on the caravan I hadn’t done much touring so I’d no idea where Utopia was, I had an inkling it must be essex way as he talked like a Essex ponce. ” To enter the gates of heaven you need to Stop Drinking, Stop Smoking, and no Sex outside of Wedlock.
This seemed like a huge demand to me but as the Vet had said I had little time left I thought what the heck I’ll give it a go. (Truth is since Maria dumped me my sex life was non exhistant, the smoking wasn’t a problem as they’d stopped smoking at the bus station and there were never any butt ends in the bin anyway. Drink was never my downfall as since I broke my Meths lamp I’d gone onto Calor gas And that tasted vile.)
The Jehovahs Witness left and I was determined to earn my place in heaven so I set about changing my habits, My new life in heavon was on the cards.

Almost a week Later I saw the Jehovah in the town centre preaching the word of God and he saw me. Steve you old turnip come here and share your faith with these sinners. I was a little reticent at stepping forward and he called across the square to me “have you stopped smoking ?? I nodded in affirmation. “Have you stopped Drinking ???” Yes easily I boasted. ” And what about sex have you rid yourself of carnal exchanges with the floozies of JC ????” “Errrmm Wellll Pause errmmmm Almost”
“Almost” he yelled ” do you realise for a moment of pleasure your life is condemned to purgatory ?, You’ll be banned from Heaven”. “Oh Bugger heaven I’ve been banned from the Shell Garage and its where I get my Calour Gas from”