Book Club Chapter 6

Up north on a housing estate for ex coalminers Alkiarse, was hiding in his cupboard, under the stairs, gazing adoringly at the one photo he had managed to nick off FB before he forgot his password.

With his roughed, blackened index finger he stroked the image of his true love. He was just about to kiss the screen of his 1967 lap top which he found dumped at the back of his garden shed last summer, when he was frozen with fear. He could hear the stairs creaking above his head.

“Alkiarse, Alkiarse where are you, you horrible little worm of a creature, where is my breakfast you useless slug?”

Alkiarse shook in his boots and kept as quiet as he could waiting for LW to move into the kitchen. Finally he heard her pull out a chair and sit down. “Alkiarse breakfast now” LW boomed.

Quick as a baboon up a coconut tree he shot out of his hidey hole and appeared before his LW. “Yes my Princess, breakfast coming up.”

LW opened her newspaper and muttered “About time.” She went straight to the problem page to see if Alkiarse was still sending letters to Deirdre.

LW was dressed in the one outfit that fitted her size 42 frame, having a useless man like Alkiarse she couldn’t afford to go out and purchase more clothes everytime she gained a stone. She had tried many diets but she just had to accept that she was a big boned girl.

Alkiarse put his LW’s breakfast in front of her, in a bucket. 14 pork chops 7 pieces of prime filet, 24 fried eggs and 14 cans of baked beans. LW grunted “Toast?”

Alkiarse was buttering the toast with lurpak as quickly as he could “Just coming my lovely”.

Later that day Alkiarse was in his 2ft by 2ft garden provided by the “help the coalminers charity”, stacking up his petrol cans, ready for his afternoon drinking session. All he had to do was wait for LW to finish her two buckets of stew and dumplings and then head off for her afternoon nap and he would then be free to do what he loved the most. Bloooonde he whispered as he had a quick sip of petrol.

“Alkiarse get in here and wash up I am off to bed I am exhausted.” LW trundled out of the kitchen with all the delicacy of a pregnant Bull Elephant.

“Yes my Princess coming now”. Alkiarse slipped into the kitchen and was just filling up his tin bath with hot soapy water to wash up with when a strange vision appeared. Green, orange and pink smoke swirled around his head …… the smoke started to talk to him “We’re coming to get you”.

Alkiarse dunked his head in the bath full of hot soapy water. He came back up spluttering and coughing. He could still see it and hear it “We’re coming to get you.” Quick as a flash he run into the garden gathered up his 12 cans of petrol and bolted to the safety of his cupboard under the stairs ………. To be continued