" Stalking the moors etc" Penultimate chapter…..

Chapter 5

Coathanger had entered the lobby, looking suave and sophisticated.

Jokecliff was apoplectic with rage.

The Room waited….

‘Nice_Pies_Female’ hid behind ‘Ugly_asa_Moose’ who urinated on the floor.

‘Clare_Dont_Dare_me’ couldnt take her eyes off the screen and lit the wrong end of her cigarette.

‘QueenB_of_Orange’ checked her ‘budgie blue’ eyeshadow and checked under her arms for damp bits

‘Thick_Slice’ Forgot he was holding Looby_Fakes bra and it twanged back so hard it nearly knocked her teeth out

‘Mad_Divnt_Foook_Aboot’ had been on a brb, and wandered back in shouting ” ooo I’d rather play wiv me Fanneyy, than pull in here,

(Fannyy presumably being a muched loved family pet)

Coathanger strode across the room, he had something hard and long in his pocket,

he made his way over to Joker,

then pulled out a thick jumbo felt tip pen, and pulled the lid off with his teeth.

He grabbed Jokecliffs T shirt, were he swiftly drew glasses and crossed eyes on ‘The Hoff’ !!

An Audible GASP from the room.

Next Coathanger re-capped the felt tip pen and shoved it up Jokecliffs left nostril,

turned on his heel, bowed to the room and left.

Jokecliff sat in shock, the felt tip pen still protruding out of his nostril.

‘Clare_Dont_dare_me’ couldnt stifle a giggle anymore.. and soon the room was in uproar.

Jokecliff burst into tears and ran from the room,

unfortunatly Thick_Slice had left his Lurpak wrapper on the floor,

and poor old Joke went arsey over T1T, which caused even more hilarity.

Knitting_My_Curtains used this opportunity,

to sneakily stab Clare_Dont_Dare_me’s plastic sheep with her knitting needle and suddenly felt all was well with the world.

Bornfree_2_poo arrived back from her 4th dump and missed the whole thing…

Meanwhile back at the hovel Jokecliff was beside himself ” Look what he did to ‘The Hoff’ ” he wailed…

And he went and lay his scabby head in Mummys lap, nearly stabbing his eye with a toe, snot and tears abounded.

After he’d calmed down he screamed for UpThe_A(x)ante… who had missed all the action

as he had been googling Argos, to see if they sold gold plated ‘Prince Alberts’.

” get me my cheap pay-as-you-go mobile, its time for action !! “

Jokecliff dialed up his best sychophant Quirky_Stench,

” we are having a meet and we are going to hunt down this coathanger

and say really nasty stuff to it !! meet me at Annies Cafe and bring alkiarse !! “

Quirky_Stench agreed, although he wasnt to happy about it, he’d have to cancel his leg waxing

and may miss out on some unfounded gossip in JC.

The next day Quirky_stench got on his old bike with a sidecar and collected Alkiarse from his basement flat under the local abattoir.

Alkiarse was as excited as a fly on Jokecliffs crusties.

” a meeting .. a meeting .. will Blonde be there ?”

” No “

” oh who are we meeting ? “

” shut up “

” are you sure Blonde wont be there ? “

“get in the sidecar and stfu you knob “

Alkiarse clapped his very small hands and got his frail old body into the sidecar.

With his small body and huge helmet he resembled a large Bluebottle.

Meanwhile Jokecliff and UpTheA(x)ante were rattling along in Hettie, zante still in his hotpink shorts,

however, The Joke had replaced his lime green leggins for leopard skin Rod Stewart Style ones and a chain mail vest, with his tangerine wig he looked very fetching.

They all arrived at Annie’s Cafe and Alkiarse rushed up to Jokecliff and bowed, ” is blonde coming sir ?”

” No shut up “

” erm is this meeting about Blonde sir ? “

“No Alkiarse fgs “! “

” can we talk about her then ? “

Jokecliff slapped Alkiarse.

” sorry sir … ” Alkiarse bowed.

They all trooped into the cafe and found a table for 4, not noticing the odd stares they got,

Quirky_stench called the other customers Knobs for the hell of it, he wasnt very bright.

Jokecliff ordered a banana milkshake and an eccles cake, Zante ordered some raw liver and tomatoe juice,

Quirky_stench ordered a cup of tea and a scone,

Alkiarse ordered a carafe of meths with a side order of nail varnish remover.

UpThe_A(x)ante sat under the table stroking his ‘precious’

” right we are going to huntdown that Coathanger ” said Joke , scratching his pierced nipple through the chain mail vest,

” anyone got any clues who it is ? “

” blonde ” said Alkiarse

“Shut up” all 3 replied.

” Sharon .. from Grimsby” said Quirky_stench

” whos that ? ” said all 3 ?

” ive no idea … i just like making up gossip ” said Quirky

” what about wordsworth50_odd ? ” said Alkiarse, “he’s not Blonde but id do him “!

“well i think its either Eddie_2_poo’s or Meee ” said Jokecliff. ” zante, lick this froth off my fat wet lips “

” yes masterrrr “

“thankyou darlin…. i mean erm ‘mate’ “

” right find coathanger…. and youll all get a custard slice next week”

One more chapter left folks ……

but ask yourselves who is ….

bob