a script fer Tel……..

a script for tel……. (an remember beggars cant be choosers)
cue opening music…… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WmxT21uFRwM

opening titles…
Sir Actor as bob fidget
PB as the italian mafiosa connection
Toybulldog as sir padalot
Esmeralda as the sourceress
Ruby red as delilah the temptress
lil fek as the narrator
PATS as the cupboard keeper (well someones gotta keep the tea n coffee
and sex toys under lock n key else some of the other theivin bstads would
be away wiv em)
chessy as colleen the trainer of stray leprachauns
anita as the villain ……..boooooooooo hisssssssssss

screenplay caff 55
director sharon
art director Pete
Wardrobe mistress sunny
sound editor fastcars
gaffer dawny
casting director sunny
make up n special effects mary j

opening scene

bob fidget enters stage left………. ‘where is everyone’? they supposed to be here for my special party tonight, its my ‘coming out ceremony’ how dare they not be here!!! *bob stamps foot and promptly falls over as he only has one leg* ( oh sorry Tel fergot that bit)
Pats the cupboard keeper enters…….. ‘oh i see your’e out of hospital now bob, i dunno let u out of me sight for one small op n yer comes back legless………… ‘bob gives Pats the most evil eye he can an she takes it away n pickles it wiv the rest…

Delilah the temptress sashays in……..och bob!! She exclaims you poor man , only one leg ay? Now what ya gonna do you know the saying up there fer finking *points to head* n down there fer dancing *points to legs* yer can always learn the lindy hop bob but even shes gone to the great dance studio in the sky now….. (delilah looks around, Ooooo if i get a man i want him wiv all his dangly bits fanks very much)

*in the background art director pete wanders in with a pot of paint and a brush to illustrate, sunny in the meantime has several actresses and actors lined up for a session on her casting couch measuring them for costumes , oh and puppies? Dunt ask me i only write this rubbish……..

‘Get me the sourceress now’!!! yells bob ‘i want her to earn her keep for a change’!!!
Sir padalot pads in scratching his (ok don’t read this till after the watershed) nether regions…….. that sunny shaved me when i woz on the casting couch , biatch she is…… aint stopped scratchin since grrrrrrrrrrrrr…….. delilah flutters her eyelashes and puts her vivien westwood orb handbag over her shoulder and smiles at sir padalot…….. ‘dunt fink yer getting near me nether regions ms Delilah either i seen ya wiv ya wax heatin it up in the microwave……

Bob fidget looks heavenwards, ‘if only rolly eyes emitikons had been invented he sighs’ …….

*in the back ground pete wanders in with another pot of paint and adds the dots*

The sorceress enters, behind her a trail of black cats , and a funny looking green man, sir padalot winked at the sorceress and he was immediately turned to stone……. that’ll teach padalot not to bow when i enter she muttered………. she walked over to bob and looked him up and down…… i see you have parts missing young bob. That’ll be ur football days over then……. although….. with a flash of smoke the space where bob’s leg was supposed to be was turned into a pole and on the end was a line marking wheel ………… ‘you are condemned to walk around Birmingham city’s football stadium keeping the lines fresh for now and all eternity’!!!!!!!!! she hissed……. bob looked at her forlornly, ‘noooooo noooooooo anything but that…….. the wardrobe mistress sunny came out and said at the end of the line young bob i will be waiting for you to refill ur line wheel…….

*in the background pete wanders in and opens the cans of paint*………….

Bob exits stage right shouting……….’Ya all Semi literate wannabe’s!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!