telephone advice for newbies

*in addition to the JC standards i thought it may be useful for all newbies to know that JC hotline also has a number of direct lines , to save confusion and so as not to take up too much of your valuable posting time please find below a list of departments, please be aware the hotlines are extremely busy so you may encounter the following messages*

for scandal, gossip or who’s sha/ggin who…….press 1

Thank you for calling the JC Hotline. Pats and Fastcars ar not here right now, but if you’ll leave your name, number, and confession at the tone, one of them will get back to you with absolution as soon as possible. And remember, confession doesn’t count unless you confess all of your sins in vivid, graphic detail followed by photographic evidence!

for animal rights protesters press 2

The machine answering this message is connected to a 5000 volt power supply, and a relay which is wired to this small kitten. (Sound of a kitten meowing.) If you hang up before you leave a message, it will complete the circuit and fry the kitty. The choice is YOURS!

for literacy help press 3

This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number, and recite a sentence using today’s vocabulary word. Today’s word is “supercilious”.

for all queries about pm useage press 4

You have reached our secret underground hideaway. I’m afraid we’re all out just now on a desperate mission to save the internet from boring private messages, but if you know what The Shredder has done to ugo or dreamsprite, or if you know where he/she is, or if you can think of a decent pizza recipe, just leave your name and number and we’ll ring you right back. But don’t say anything yet! Enemy message board owners may be listening. When the computer has checked they’re not eavesdropping, it will make a bleeping noise and you can speak freely.

for all those who wish to speak to the PB ‘we care departmentl press 5

You have reached the Suicide Prevention Hotline. All our lines are busy now, but if you leave your name and number, someone will get back to you as soon as possible.

for all those who want to deal with their alcohol problem press 6

Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn’ have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin’ machine. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don’ like ’em, but I shay it’ll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a message. Thanks a lot.

for all those who wish to speak to a deceased jc member press 7

(Loud heavy-metal music in background; raspy voice:) Hello, this is the executioner. (insert name of deceased here) can’t come to the phone right now because he/she is DEAD! Leave a name and number and IF we decide to resurrect him, he/she will call you back.

for those who wish to speak to a sex councillor press 8

Good evening. I’m sorry, but Steve can’t come to the phone now, as he’s quite tied up. (Sounds of struggle in background, and voice heard through a gag.) I should know. I tied him up. But leave your name and number, and he’ll return your call if he manages to get free. And speaking of things that are not free, we now have this word from our sponsor… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pgX-hiQdfFw

for those who wish to speak to a psychic press 9

Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense department. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.

Have a nice day…… :D :wink: