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A coach full of nuns go over a cliff and they all die. They find themselves in a queue outside the Pearly Gates. St Peter suddenly appears and approaches the nun at the head of the queue and says “Sister before I can let you into Heaven you have to answer one question. Have you ever touched a mans penis?”
The nun blushes and admits to having once touched the end of a man’s penis with the tip of her finger.
St Peter smiles and tells the nun to dip the offending finger into a nearby font of holy water and pass on into Heaven.
St Peter then turns to the next nun in the queue and asks the same question. “Sister before I can allow you into Heaven you must answer one question, have you ever touched a man’s penis?”
The nun blushes and admits to having once held a man’s penis in the palm of her hand.
St Peter smiles and tells the nun to dip the offending hand into the nearby font of holy water and to pass on into Heaven.
At that moment there is a commotion at the back of the queue and a nun is seen sprinting from the back of the queue all the way to the front. St Peter looks perplexed and asks the nun what in heaven’s name was she up to?
The nun looks at St Peter guiltily and replies ” If I’ve got to gargle with that holy water I want to do it before Sister Mary has to dip her arse in it.”
A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.” He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request. She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.” Once again he thanked her.
He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, “Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help.” He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.
She replied, “If I told you, you would only laugh.”
“No, I wouldn’t,” he said.
She said, “I sell tampons.”
With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.
She said, “See, I knew you would laugh.”
“That’s not what I’m laughing at,” he replied. “I’m a toilet paper salesman, so I’m STILL one hole behind you!”
A blonde got a dent in her car and took it in to the repair shop. The repairman, noticing that the woman was a blonde, decided to have a wee bit of fun.
So he told her all she had to do was take it home and blow in the tailpipe until the dent popped itself out.
After 15 minutes of this, the blonde’s blonde friend came over and asked what she was doing.
“I’m trying to pop out this dent, but it’s not really working.”
“Duh. You have to roll up the windows first!”
Enjoy … Extracts from actual letters sent to various councils and housing
associations throughout the UK:1. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt
my knob off.2. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he
put his foot in the hole in his back passage.3. .. and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my
fence.4. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I
think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the
wall.6. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
7. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is
cleared.8. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour
and not fit to drink.9. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
10. Would you please send a man to repair my spout. I am an old age
pensioner and need it badly.11. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning
at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.12. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden,which is
unsightly and dangerous.13. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a
third so please send someone round to do something about it.14. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do
something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me
every night.15. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy
my wife.16. I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but
I still have no satisfaction.17. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we
can’t get BBC2.18. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage
has fungus growing in it.19. … and he’s got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and
I just cant take it anymore.20. … that is his excuse for dogs mess that I find hard to swallow
:shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock:
18. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage
has fungus growing in it.@PP1 wrote:
Enjoy … Extracts from actual letters sent to various councils and housing
associations throughout the UK:1. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt
my knob off.2. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he
put his foot in the hole in his back passage.3. .. and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my
fence.4. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I
think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the
wall.6. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
7. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is
cleared.8. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour
and not fit to drink.9. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
10. Would you please send a man to repair my spout. I am an old age
pensioner and need it badly.11. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning
at 6am his chicken wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.12. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden,which is
unsightly and dangerous.13. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a
third so please send someone round to do something about it.14. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do
something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me
every night.15. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy
my wife.16. I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but
I still have no satisfaction.17. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we
can’t get BBC2.18. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage
has fungus growing in it.19. … and he’s got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and
I just cant take it anymore.20. … that is his excuse for dogs mess that I find hard to swallow
Brilliant PP1 xoxoxox
A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: “Please note that this Bank is
installing new “Drive-through” teller machines enabling customers to
withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new
facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when
accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE &
FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate
steps for your gender.”MALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write deposit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
A woman is shopping for a pet as a gift for her husband, but she is concerned that the prices that the Pet Shop are charging are very high. She goes to the clerk and explains her concern. “Well, I have a frog in the back that I can let you have for $50,” the clerk says. “$50?” the woman replies. “That seems terribly expensive for a frog.” “Well, this frog is worth it. It’s been trained to give blow jobs.” The woman is stunned, but because her husband loves this sort of sex, and because she is not particularly fond of gorfing cock, she decides the frog might be a good investment. She buys the frog, brings it home, presents it to her husband, and explains its special value. The husband is skeptical, but promises he’ll give the frog a try that night. The woman goes to sleep happily knowing she won’t be bothered by her husband that night. She is suddenly awakened by a clatter coming from the kitchen. She goes downstairs and finds the frog and her husband pulling out pots and pans and poring over cookbooks. “What are you two doing down here?” she asks. Her husband responds, “If I can teach this frog to cook, you’re out of here!”
That was so funny Poshy I nearly fell off my chair reading them
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