How do you keep your sanity

. . . . when all men doubt you, when all around are losing theirs etc etc.
It’s not easy sometimes in life, so some ideas . . . . . . .

a) try some alcohol, or
Become a world-renowned authority on cat litter. Learn stuff about cat litter than no one else could possibly know, and introduce these facts randomly into conversations with total strangers. Then casually throw on a pink tutu, stand near the pickles at Tescos and pluck a giant string bass to your heart’s content.

b) do some gardening, or
Carry a huge grandfather clock everywhere you go. If anyone asks why simply say that that you have too much time on your hands. Then break into your nearest ice-skating rink and change the music to some ‘orrible funeral dirge.

c) smoke some weed, or
Fly to somewhere like Florence and tell everyone that you know armando !! Frequent all the museums on that mechanised pogo stick you got off eBay.

d) go for a walk, or
Practise miming the Queens Speech. A lot. Then mail some olfactory hallucinations to your closest friends with an appropriate gift card. If you don’t know what olfactory means then let me help – its the sensory system used for olfaction (my pleasure). Visit all the war memorials in the local area while singing songs from your favourite Broadway musicals in the key of B-flat. Write to the relevant local authority demanding to know what happened to the bullet holes.

e) have sex, or…
Learn the phrase KaddishYeheShelamaRabba until each intonation is perfect. Then do it backwards. After a while start burrowing in from the sides, then take it from the top. Eventually the bloke who invented the I-Ching will materialise and present you with a ham sandwich.

f) buy some flowers, or
When there’s a knock at the front door open it in sudden fashion and do the Vincent Price laugh from the Thriller video. If its them blinkin’ Jehovahs again it’s best to rotate on the spot and say “Chowder” a lot while flapping your arms. Refer them to a reputable optician who will help with the blinking, then act all smug for 15 minutes.

g) organise a nice picnic, or
Discover who lives at number twenty-three in your street. Cultivate their friendship and find out about their lives, hobbies, interests. When they’re not looking smear butterscotch all over their garden gate. If you commiserate with them at other times about this problem then you will also have a foolproof method for getting mentioned in peoples wills.

h) go for a drive, or
Refer to yourself in the third person every second Wednesday. Discharge huge quantities of fart-gas into an empty gallon milk jug and wave it about madly in front of your own face. The home help will then arrive and lock you in a four-point restraint. Explain to her that you found a new way of making pumpkin lasagna while dressed up as Rambo, then the two of you can quietly watch Countdown together.

I hope this helps and would welcome any other suggestions as long as they’re not silly.